Do acknowledge and accept what your child is feeling. Example: “It sounds like you’re angry at Karen.” It sounds like you’re really disappointed.”

Your child will either confirm what you are saying, or tell you their real feelings about the situation. “I’m not disappointed, but I’m really mad at Jason.”

When you listen and accept your child’s feelings, it brings you closer, and opens the door to real communication. When you are very present with what your child is feeling your hearts touch.

  
Don’t use “feeling stoppers.”

Denial / Suppression – “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

Philosophy – “Life’s like that.”

Advice – “You should have worked harder. Spend more time at the library.”

Interrogation – “Are you behind? Why? How did this happen?

Feeling stoppers tell your child that his or her feelings are not important. Accepting a child’s feelings in the moment tells your child that she is profoundly loved for who she is.

  
Do learn from negative feelings. Remember anger is a “red flag.”. It often covers deeper feelings such as hurt, fear, or worry. See negative feelings as a “call for help.” Look for the underlying emotion.

Use “I” statements to express your own negative feelings.

Example: “I feel angry when you don’t help me.” “I’m hurt when you criticize me.” “I worry when you’re out late and you don’t call me.”

  
Don’t express anger using “You” statements. It pushes you and your child apart and makes your child defensive.

Example: “You’re selfish. You never help!”

“You’re too demanding and critical!”

“You’re irresponsible!”

You statements close down communication and create power struggles during which the ego takes over and separation occurs. The ego ignores the wisdom of your higher self.
 

  
Do listen with compassion, for it is the language of love. Love says, “It is worth my time to understand how it is for you. How you feel and experience your life is important to me.”

Practicing compassion and non-judgment is a gift we give our child and ourselves.

  
Don’t feel that you always have to agree with what your child is feeling in order to show compassion. Compassion enables you to set aside your personal viewpoint and listen while your child expresses what is inside of him. By listening with empathy and compassion, you are showing a fundamental respect for your child as an individual.
 

 
Do consistently encourage your children to examine their own choices. Teach them to listen to their intuition and wise self inside. Help them problem solve and then remind them to spend quiet time to go within and ask for inner guidance. In a non-judgmental way ask: “How is this choice/behavior helping you?” “What does your heart/ wise self tell you is best?” “What do you think the possible consequences of that choice might be?”

  
Don’t rush in with advice and solutions and rob your child of becoming more Self-responsible. Children/adolescents can get stuck in blame. It is easier to blame someone or something outside of us. We have to help  children get beyond blaming. Remember:

1. Accept feelings: “Sounds like you’re very angry at Mr. Palmer.”
2. Use Compassion: “It hurts and is very embarrassing to be reprimanded in class.”
3. Problem Solve: “What are some choices you have?” “What does your heart/wise self say?”